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一份直接导致申请失败的个人陈述材料

2006-11-01 10:38:11 来源:未知
中国人民大学3+1(HND)出国招生
人大HND学生在国内经过一年国际基础课程,两年英国大学专业课的学习,考试合格修满全部学分之后...
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国内3年,获英国国家高等学历文凭,再去英国合作大学读1年获学士学位,读2年获硕士文凭。
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大有来头

这份Personal Statement是完全真实的,出自于我所熟知的一位硕士课程的申请者。他今年向比利时布鲁塞尔自由大学递交了他的全套申请,申请的专业是Computer Science。他有合乎要求的TOEFL成绩和大学学位。然而申请却失败了,据比利时朋友讲,这篇文章是他申请失败的直接原因。因为教授对他的解释大致是:

  • 这个人会的太多了,不需要再学习了
  • 他的文章中有一句话,说:any of your suggestions would be highly appreciated. 所以我们建议他去申请别的专业

在我们听来,这些话近似于挖苦。但我们和教授远隔千里,无冤无仇,何以至此。当然是这篇文章了。但说句实话,这篇文章的语法、用词、甚至于句法都是很好的。可见作者用心良苦。之所以没有好的结果,站长认为大概是由于这篇文章的“基调”吧。此外文章中多余的话太多,致使篇幅较长。大家都觉得这是一个很遗憾的事。所以站长认为这是一篇极其难得的反面教材,经过原作者的同意,登在这里,让我们仔细看看吧(当然,原作者只所以如此洒脱,是因为最终他还是走成了)。

原文

Dear Sir or Madam:

Before I became an undergraduate, computers were rare in my country. Though we knew little about it, we all believed in that the word COMPUTER meant Hi-technology. Fortunately, the first year at my college, I met the first computer in my life. It was an APPLE II. With my country opening increasingly, new technologies spread quickly. Now, computers have been very popular here. To finish my daily works, I use not only ordinary personal computers, but also various industrial computers. I even possess my own computer at home. I love my computer! Researching in its wonderful world is a lucky thing which I really love.  

From the beginning of my study, my endeavor was fixed on the specialty that is so-called Petroleum Producing and Processing Automation. In fact, my foundation for further studying in Computer Science is stable. During my college studying, I took courses including Advanced Mathematics, Advanced Algebra, Algorithmic Language, Computational Method, Fuzzy mathematics (Unfortunately, this curriculum has disappeared from my Academic Grading Record and I don’t know why), and Digital Electronics etc. The curriculum also covered Principle of Computer, Computer Interface Technology, Assemble Language Programming, and Principle of Single Chip Computer etc. In addition, some professional curriculums maybe useful for further studying in my prospective department, such as Principle of Sensing Device, Self-adapting control system, Programming Controller etc. With the Computer Science permeating my major more and more, sometimes I think my major would be, as it were, one of the branches of Applied Computer Science.

Since I got a job, from a technician to an engineer, I have been exploring in the world of Petroleum Producing and Processing Automation for eleven years in Fushun petrochemical company, one of the largest petrochemical company in China. At first, I worked in Fushun NO. 1 Refinery. And then, I was transferred to Funshun Petrochemical Design Institute. The time goes by so quickly. Now as an engineer on Procedure Automatic control system designing, I have more opportunities to learn something new, therefore I have a wider view of my major. I found that computer technology has been applied in this field more and more widely. PC-based industrial automation has become popular. In my company, Fieldbus Control Systems vies with Distributed Control Systems. Advanced control system competes with Optimum ones. During configuration and operation, Object-Oriented and ActiveX are overwhelming. On the whole, few control system or instrument can avoid being influenced by Computer Science. A system or instrument without the magic word INTELLEGENT would always go wrong. The more wide my view became, the more scanty I felt with my knowledge in computer science. I became more and more greedy for something appealing to me on computer science. I had learned programming with C, C++, LISP, VF, and VB etc, some of which could not be offered during my college studying eleven years ago. In my institute, as a computer administrator on the side, I had also done a lot to improve our institute’s CAD environment. For example, I write many programs and functions in AutoLISP to extend AutoCAD according to our need. It’s exciting to sit in front of computer and make some original achievement. Some programs that I wrote have been authorized by my Institute to be used by all my colleagues. Because of my excellent computer ability, I became renowned in my institute. 

Obviously, computer science is the key to the advancement of automation. With the nourishing of computer science, the world of Automatic Control has become splendid. Fortunately, I come to find that my real interest lies in this wonderful world. However, without advanced knowledge, I can do nothing but wait. In order to fulfill my dream, graduate education is a necessity. I must study under strict instructions. The marriage of my original major with Computer Science should be expected to produce some interesting children. 

I think I can be a qualified applicant. In my undergraduate years, I had earned many kinds of scholarship, among which were “Excellent Academic Scholarship”. In the years after graduation, heavy works endowed me with plenty of experiences. Years of work went into fruits. Only in my latest seven years in Funshun Petrochemical Design Institute, I have finished hundreds of projects, which focused on Procedure Automatic Control System designing. The most satisfactory one was “the Designing of Procedure Automatic Control System of the 200,000 t/year Benzophenone Dewaxing Installation of Refinery 1”, which began in November 1998. It took me about six months to finish the designing, and another two months to cooperate with constructor in field to solve emergent field problems. In those days, as the specialty principal of Automation, I worked day and night. At last, I was amply rewarded: the installation started operation successfully at the first trial! That’s a day to remember.

As an engineer on Procedure Automatic Control System designing, my work has made me accustomed to cooperation with other specialty harmoniously, and also made me accustomed to working carefully, accurately and efficiently. Indeed, working has taught me too much! It would be invaluable for my further studying.

Machines which can think and perceive are always appealing to me. So I have a desire to do researches on Artificial Intelligence. AI has always been on the pioneering end of Computer Science. The application of AI can be found in my daily works of many places, such as a PID self-adjusting system in an intelligent system or instrument, which can set the optimal value for PID automatically. Without its help, it’s by no means an easy thing for workers with no enough experiences to determine it. In China, many research needs to be done. Some of the AI products available today are only primitive ones.

Object Oriented Programming also fascinates me. After my graduation, learning C++, VB, VF, LISP and so on really made a hard period of time. When an inspiration appear, catch hold of it and will not let it go, then write a program and debug it. All such works make me content and confident. Nothing can be compared, I think, with having finished a program and enjoying the success. Certainly, at that time, a cup of brandy will be plus.

 

From the college guide and my friend’s recommendation, I am pleased to learn that your department has an academic atmosphere where originality is appreciated and individual potential is explored. It will be the best place for my specialized study. If possible, my main interest in the future will be in one of the following areas:

  • Artificial Intelligence

  • Object Oriented Programming

As my undergraduate education is very basic, if you feel that I am more suited for some other areas, any of your suggestion would be highly appreciated.

Upon the completion of my study, I would return to my country and teach what I’ve learned to my students. Then I shall establish a research center to experiment on new ideas. It is my ultimate goal to see that the Chinese AI products would really deserve to be called intelligent, and could deceive a human into believing that they were human! I will not let you down. Thank you!

Sincerely,

Liu Xiaodong 

November 9,2000

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